ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.