ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
when u come home smelling like another dog
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
fired
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Incredible customer service.