Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The cashier just checked me out.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
thanksgiving in nutshell
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie