ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Social distancing in Australia:
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝