ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work