You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Bless you
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
God has abandoned us.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.