me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Hero horse inspires millions
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”