ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…