ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The “baby” on the left….
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.