Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
You Might Also Like
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“What movie?” 🤔
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Not all heroes wear capes….
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?