If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
This hospital has everything
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me working on my assignments ^-^
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence