ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Oh my God.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.