ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’