ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Breaking news:
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”