ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
You Might Also Like
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me too
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?