me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.