Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Every time my phone rings
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
How I’d get arrested…
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.