Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
What?!?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My dad.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Where’s my employee discount too?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.