ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes