Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Its true…
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*