Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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1.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”