Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.