ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*skinny dips into black hole
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight