ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
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apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient