me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: