Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.