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@BrandonEsWolf: ME: How fresh is the "fresh octopus"?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.
@blondecalamity: My ex used to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" to me....
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
@KyleMcDowell86: [yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
@Breadery: If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ...
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that's fine
@Mardigroan: Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?