ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
no regrets
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
looks legit
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?