Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*