Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Bless you
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m crying im so happy for them
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard