Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Bobby pin
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.