Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol