Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.