You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
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What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”