Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no