“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.