Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.