flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My birthstone is kidney
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?