Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Lmfaoooooo
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.