I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
😩😩😩
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?