Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms