Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.