Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
when someone compliments me
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.