Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.