Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same