Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Employees must applaud the planets.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
reviewed some movies recently
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The Struggle