@369ffs: me: I can't sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
@tarashoe: ohgod what if there's some murderer in the backseat of my car while i'm driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
@imdaintyaf: [Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
@AsgardianRose: Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
@protolalia: It's sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it'll be another 2-5 years before they're single and ready to hang out again.
@TheAlexNevil: *cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*