@369ffs: me: I can't sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
@C_J_Commode: I've reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.
@ObscureGent: Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
@aka_fatman: *writing résumé*
Strengths? I'm great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
@ddsmidt: Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
@EndhooS: *Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
"OMG..we've been burgled"
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?