@369ffs: me: I can't sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
@thepunningman: Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
@abhorrent_wife: Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
@notacroc: WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they're real
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it's a cigar