Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Still a very good boi….
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot