Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Lol
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!