Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.