I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
unbelievably distressed by this ad
twitter is a journey
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet