Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else